Most wives need... more wives

It's good to think outside of the box. From the Woulda: Coulda: Shoulda blog, comes this stream of consciousness.

Now I, probably not unlike you, had always assumed that polygamy was some weird Mormon sex fetish thing. Then I saw the story about Tom Green of Utah on Dateline NBC a few years back. They devoted an hour to the inner workings of this polygamist household. The topic of sex was touched upon, but only briefly (the "head wife" is responsible for scheduling the husband's sleeping schedule). Most of the story centered on how the wives run their day-to-day lives with the kids.

Can I tell you? I've had extensive discussions about this with my girlfriends and (now ex) sisters-in-law, and we all agree. The concept is brilliant. How is it that the mainstream has shunned this possibility so? I think it's all the men who couldn't possibly handle multiple wives, who are walking around trying to convince every one that this is a bad idea...

First of all, what struck me most about the Dateline special--other than the interesting sight of one "team" of children being driven into town in a van to go shoe shopping--was how much the women genuinely enjoyed one another. They referred to each other as sister-wives and had nothing but praise for one another. I don't think it was an act. Picture it: you've got four girlfriends right there in the house with you. You don't like to do laundry? Fine, hand it over to the sister-wife who loves her some Tide. Need a few minutes to yourself? Direct whichever of those twenty-five rugrats are yours to go bother one of the other moms so you can pee in relative peace. Stuck on a word in your crossword puzzle? The sheer volume of other adults in the house greatly increases the odds that someone will know the answer. (Okay, I doubt any of Green's wives do crosswords. I'm just sayin'.) Once the kids are all in bed at night? You can stay home and actually hang out with other adults, or if you want to go out for something, there is never a need for a babysitter.

Secondly, can we talk about this nighttime scheduling thing? My guess is that the head wife is well-loved by the other sister wives. The ones with more libido slip her extra cookies and hand-wash her delicates for some extra nights with the love machine. The ones who are just as happy to sleep alone and not have to deal with a midnight grope put just the right amount of starch in her crisp blouses in return for more nights "off duty." Who amongst us that have experienced long-term relationships haven't relished a reunion after a few days or weeks apart? It probably keeps things interesting...

The benefits for the husband are obvious, too. The beleaguered man who spends a day in the rat race, only to arrive home to no dinner, a frazzled wife, and wild children? He would be no more at the sister wife commune. Heck, I could have dinner on the table every single night if I had four other women there with me every day. No problem. And with five moms to tag-team even the most disobedient children? There wouldn't be any Mommy Meltdowns. You could just hand off to the next in line while you went outside and ate some chocolate and counted to ten. Naturally the entire house would be in order by the time the husband arrived home. Everyone benefits!